


need you tonight

by Bara_no_Uta



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Self-Hatred, protect lena luthor 2x17, tbh maybe more like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9873053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Every time Kara says she loves her, Lena smiles and says she loves her, too, trying to pretend it doesn't break her heart to know it won't last. Kara doesn't love her, she's positive, because nobody has ever loved her, and why would they? She's a Luthor, a disappointment, and she's long ago concluded that she simply isn't somebody who gets to be loved. But for all that it hurts, she can't give up how nice it feels to pretend somebody loves her. Especially Kara, who she loves so deeply.Until one particularly bad day prompts her to push Kara away, in tears, pleading with Kara not to say she loves her when she doesn't mean it. Can Kara convince Lena how much she truly does love her?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this plot bunny in my head for so long by now, honestly, and hearing Lena say that she's never had a friend or family like Kara brought it back full force. While I think Lex probably did love her before his, uh, descent, I also think that there's a part of Lena that feels like if he actually loved her she would have been able to stop him from that. And sure, she's probably had friends and girlfriends before, but obviously none of those people are in her life anymore. So basically everybody has either never loved her (*cough* Lillian *cough*) or abandoned her. Not to mention growing up with Lillian... being the type of "parent" she has thoroughly proven herself to be, constantly putting Lena down. So I definitely think Lena isn't yet confident in who she is, nor can she believe right away that somebody truly loves her. And of course changing that will take more than one person loving her, even if that one person is her amazing girlfriend Kara, but that is a start.

            “I love you,” Kara said over the phone. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            _No, you don’t,_ Lena’s mind automatically responded, but she put on a smile and answered, “I love you, too. See you tomorrow.”

            With that, she ended the call, curling up on her bed. Every time Kara said she loved her, Lena half felt like crying, because she knew it wasn’t true. She was sure Kara presently thought it was true, but it wasn’t. Lena knew it wasn’t, because it simply wasn’t possible. She just wasn’t somebody who could be loved.

            But she truly loved Kara. Who wouldn’t? Kara was the exact opposite of her, completely and utterly lovable. And she would be lying if she said it didn’t feel nice to have the illusion of being loved by somebody so wonderful. So for now, she went along with it, despite knowing it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart.

* * *

 

            The next day got off to a terrible start for Lena. She had been in the office less than an hour when she received the information that one of L-Corp’s business partners was withdrawing association with it. The woman bearing the news – a secretary, Lena guessed, making sure to keep her tone neutral rather than shooting the messenger – gave a polite explanation, but she saw through it. It was the time of the year in which many business owners were re-evaluating these things, and this particular company had decided it was better for their reputation not to be involved with a Luthor anymore.

            Of course they had. Nobody wanted to be involved with a Luthor.

            She then had to return to dealing with an ongoing issue: the alien detection device. Between Cadmus and learning of the DEO, she had changed her mind about mass-marketing them. She wanted to produce them to the DEO, because she still knew there were dangerous aliens. The thing was, there were police out there to deal with the dangerous humans, but with the DEO being top secret, she hadn’t known that there was anyone out there – other than Supergirl, a lone person and an alien who she hadn’t known at the time – protecting humans from the dangerous aliens. She still did think that if someone didn’t want to befriend an alien, or would feel lied to if they only found out down the road, they should have a right to know… but with Cadmus, she had come to realize that the device in the hands of the average person was more likely to result in innocent aliens’ lives in danger than anything else.

            But just because Lena had changed her mind didn’t mean her financial investors and R&D team agreed, and therein lie the problem. Even if she requested the DEO pay what would have been market price for them, and even if they raised the price, the fact that the DEO probably would really not need more than two or three meant they would end up having lost money through the development. Compared to the fortune that could have been made selling them to anyone who wanted one, it wasn’t surprising they were resistant. Lena was stubborn in trying to convince them, but they were also stubborn in their refusals. The whole thing was a headache, though she wouldn’t give in.

            She had skipped breakfast that morning, overslept and still exhausted from the late nights she had been working lately. Jess came in and brought her lunch, but Lena was so caught up that she ignored it. This was a common occurrence, but it didn’t exactly help her emotional state.

            At home, Lena couldn’t stop thinking about being a Luthor. Her whole life, since being adopted, Lillian had reminded her over and over again that she wasn’t a real Luthor. It had been months since learning otherwise, but she had yet to find a new coping mechanism. It used to hurt when Lillian reminded her she was adopted, because she saw it as synonymous for Lillian not loving her, but at the same time, not being a real Luthor meant a certainty that she could be more than her family.

            Now, particularly with the issues in the company, that certainty was shaken.

            Maybe, as a Luthor, she was doomed when it came to doing good. Maybe all of her efforts would always amount to nothing.

            Amounting to nothing and alone. That was probably her destiny.

            Lena was spiraling hard when the lock clicked, Kara letting herself into the apartment. It startled her, causing her to jump, turning to face the door.

            “Hey. I brought pizza!” Kara announced, closing the door behind her. When she started toward the couch, she noticed Lena’s expression and her mood entirely shifted. “Everything okay?”

            Lena’s arms were crossed already, but she held them tighter. “I’m sorry. I forgot we had plans tonight.”

            “It’s fine.” She placed the pizza on the table and sat next to Lena, a hand on her arm. “I’m more concerned about you.”

            She shook her head. “Don’t be.”

            Normally that would sound like a reassurance that one was fine – not that Kara would have believed that right now anyway – but Lena almost sounded pleading. “Why not?”

            Feeling restless and vulnerable, Lena stood, taking a few steps away from the couch, though she turned to face Kara. Her eyes were wet, and she silently cursed the tears.

            Kara bit her lip, not understanding what was wrong. “I’m here,” she assured her.

            But that only seemed to upset Lena further, as she shook her head again, nails digging painfully into her arm. “Please, just—don’t.”

            “Lena, please, let me help? I love you—”

            “Stop it!” Her voice was more forceful this time, and she turned her back, looking up at the ceiling as she fought back her tears. “Stop lying to me. I know you don’t love me, so please, stop pretending!” It would be excruciating to lose Kara, but it would only get worse the longer this went on. Besides, not knowing when Kara would “inevitably” leave her was a source of frequent anxiety.

            “Lena…” Kara felt like crying herself. But Lena needed her now more than ever, she thought, and that spurred her to try to keep her calm. “Why do you think I don’t love you?”

            She bit down on her trembling lip, trying to will away the tears. “Because you can’t. I know… I know you probably think you do, but it isn’t possible. Everybody always leaves me. I’m a Luthor, and I’m… I don’t know, but I’m just not somebody who gets to be loved.” She attempted to force a laugh. “I guess I’m just meant to be alone.”

            Kara came closer and, when Lena didn’t pull away, wrapped her in a hug. She lingered like that a while, saying nothing, just holding her. She hadn’t had any idea that Lena felt so terrible, and she wasn’t sure at first she could speak around the ache in her throat. Lena didn’t relax into her arms like she normally did, but neither did she tense further, so Kara kept holding her in the hopes that it would help. “I’m sorry you’ve had so many people leave you,” she said softly. “But I promise, you aren’t alone. You don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m here.”

            “I don’t understand,” she whispered, barely keeping the tears back. “There’s—really—nothing special about me. I don’t even understand how you put up with me. Just look at me now. I’m weak. And I can’t do anything right… I’m only going to disappoint you…”

            Kara let her talk, though it killed her to know Lena felt that way, squeezing her gently. When Lena was finished, she murmured, “C’mere.” She pulled away just enough to lightly nudge Lena to face her. “Lena, you are amazing. You’re smart, and kind, and beautiful, and _so_ brave…” She ran a hand through Lena’s hair and murmured, “You do so many amazing things, and you are so strong. This doesn’t make you not strong. And I could never, ever be disappointed in you.”

            While she had tried to meet Kara’s gaze, she had stopped almost immediately after Kara began speaking. She just looked down, not wanting to verbalize her disagreement.

            Biting her lip, Kara pulled Lena into another hug, stroking her hair. “It’s okay if it’s too soon for you to believe me. But can you believe, or at least trust, that it is how I feel?”

            “How do you know you won’t change your mind?”

            She wanted to assure Lena that she simply _knew_ and that she _never_ would, because that truly was how she felt. But she knew that wouldn’t be enough. Lena needed something with real thought behind it. She mulled it over briefly, trying to figure out how best to articulate it. “The same way I know I’ll always love potstickers,” she decided on. It was a very Kara analogy. “I can’t see the future. But what I do know is that there are so many things I love about potstickers. …The metaphor’s gonna get really weird if I try to go on, but… do you see where I’m going?”

            Lena gave a small laugh as she nodded. “Only with you would I ever be flattered to be compared to potstickers.” She took a deep breath, then pulled away to finally look Kara in the eye again. “Well, even after everything I said, you’re still here.” She had pushed her away and then gotten so pathetically vulnerable, as she judged it, but Kara hadn’t left. “I can’t promise you I won’t still get afraid,” she admitted, worried Kara might think this was a one-time thing.

            “Of course I’m still here. It’s okay to be afraid… But Lena, have you felt like this all along?” _Did you think I was lying every time I said I loved you?_ was one of the silent, heartbreaking questions.

            Averting her eyes, Lena nodded.

            She tucked some hair behind Lena’s ear, not wanting Lena to think she was mad. “Can you promise me that when you’re feeling bad, you won’t try to hide it from me anymore?”

            “No. I’m not sure I can promise I won’t ever keep it to myself. But I do promise I’ll try my best not to.”

            Kara didn’t really understand why Lena wouldn’t be able to do something that, in her mind, was so simple. She didn’t understand what it was like to have it so thoroughly conditioned never to show weakness that every act of opening up, every moment of allowing vulnerability, was bravery. But she understood that it was really difficult for Lena, and that Lena was going to try her best, and that was enough. “Okay.”

            “Can you… promise me that you’ll tell me if you’re upset with me?” In the Luthor household, on the rare occasions something was excused in the moment, it always ended up used against her later, leaving her constantly second-guessing any assurances she was given. It was an instinct that even in this moment left her scared.

            “Of course,” she answered without hesitation. Okay, so there were times she kept things to herself, but she tried not to.

            Lena searched her gaze, looking for any signs of uncertainty in the promise. When she saw none, she finally relaxed. “I’m sorry for… freaking out on you.”

            She shook her head, taking Lena’s hands in her own and lightly tugging her toward the couch. “I’m here for you, Lena,” she said once they were both seated, still holding her hands. “Anytime you need to talk, or… just have someone by your side.”

            “I’m not used to that,” she murmured.

            Her heart ached. “Well, you’re gonna have to get used to it, because I’m not going anywhere,” she said a bit jokingly, trying to cheer her up.

            That got a smile from her – a real one. “I suppose the pizza is cold by now… Should we stick it in the oven, or—Oh. That works too.” She couldn’t help but to be amused at Kara’s amazing superpowers being used to reheat a pizza. “Do you still want to watch a movie?”

            Kara smiled back, glad Lena seemed to be feeling better. She kissed her lightly. “I love you, Lena,” she said, searching Lena’s eyes to see whether Lena believed her this time.

            And she did. Lena melted. She had never before had someone speak those words to her and _mean_ them, not asking for anything in return but to be loved back, not leaving her… Just… _there_ , truly loving her. “I love you, too.”

            The moment was abruptly ruined by Lena’s stomach growling at the delicious smell of pizza now that she wasn’t distressed as she had been earlier, and her face flushed.

            Kara laughed, kissing her cheek. “I think it’s time to eat.” She then frowned as she noticed the bags under Lena’s eyes, and she had a sneaking suspicion that Lena had skipped lunch if not more. “Tonight I’m making sure you go to bed early, and tomorrow I’m gonna bring you lunch. Don’t make me give you an Alex-style lecture about taking care of yourself!” The last part was mostly a joke, but she fully intended to make good on her other words.

            She smiled, feeling strangely warm at the simple fact that Kara cared about her wellbeing. “I suppose I have no place to argue that… so long as you stay the night, that is,” she said playfully as she took a slice of pizza. Honestly, she just wanted to be cuddled.

            “How could I say no to that?” Kara’s voice was just as playful, but it was the truth.

            Lena settled comfortably against Kara’s side, feeling an arm around her as she started up Netflix.

            That night, when she was cuddled in those same strong arms, Lena couldn’t help but to think that she had never felt this safe before in her entire life.


End file.
